Innermost Being

Preparing to tell my story

July 1, 2026July 20, 2026 by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

I have been staying after church for a group study on “everyday evangelism,” which made me think about my faith story. I’ve shared some of what follows before on my blog but have never spoken about it publicly.

Salvation

Dad always took us kids to church. Mom stayed home. She grew up going to church like he did, so I didn’t understand why she didn’t come with us.

When I was about nine years old, my Sunday school teacher led me to faith in Jesus. I don’t recall the Bible story. I don’t recall the words of her invitation. I don’t remember the words of my response. But for years, I could remember the feeling of joy.

In retrospect, I can see that God’s timing was perfect. The hardest years of my life were ahead of me, but I had a faithful friend with me. My faith gave me hope.

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…

1 Peter 3:15

I started reading the Bible every day. In sixth grade, I went to AWANA Bible studies. I was active in Youth for Christ until we moved after my sophomore year.

Meanwhile, my home life was tumultuous. My parents argued and even separated a couple of times. I thought they were arguing about the lack of money because there were too many mouths to feed.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was twelve. Mom got custody of the seven of us. Dad moved to another city and remarried within a year or so.

We kids continued to go to church on our own.

The year after the divorce, Mom had another baby. We questioned her about the father. He was someone we knew; my older sister and I babysat his children a few times. Mom managed to keep their relationship a secret.

I was afraid people would find out that our mother had a child outside of marriage and that they would judge us. So when asked about my family – even years later – I pretended that my dad was the father of all of us.

After the divorce, Mom was free to do whatever she wanted. She had a few more sexual relationships, but they were no longer a secret. In pursuing those relationships, she made decisions that were not in our best interests.

Mom told us that Dad had a vasectomy after their fourth child, but that it obviously didn’t work since they had three more kids. I learned the truth as an adult. Mom told my younger sister, child number five, that her father was a coworker who had raped her. She also told the next two kids who their real fathers were.

Knowing what happened to my mom when she was a young mother, I could better understand the choices she made. I can imagine why she wasn’t comfortable in church. I know she felt some shame, or she wouldn’t have lied and kept so many secrets.

The Other Prodigal Daughter

Mom was clearly not a good example for us kids to follow. All three of my younger sisters got pregnant in high school.

I was determined to go to college and make a better life for myself, so I didn’t take any chances. But in a way, I followed in my mother’s footsteps. When I moved away to college, I stopped going to church. I gave into temptations.

I met my husband at my first job after college. He was not a believer. His family did not go to church. I knew that the Bible says not to be unequally yoked, but I told myself it was okay. He is a good man.

The Prodigal Daughter Returns

In the years that I didn’t go to church, I missed it. I knew I should start going again. But it took something shocking to get me back.

We lived in a suburb of Denver. On April 20, 1999, two high school students murdered a teacher and several students at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine what would make kids do something so evil.

I needed to be with other people of faith. I went to the church that I often drove by, Hope United Methodist. It was comforting to be with people who shared my faith in God.

My faith story is a long one. It has its ups and downs. It shows that when you belong to Jesus, he will never let you go.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.

John 10:27-29

God loves me just as I am – flawed, selfish, struggling to be good. No matter how messed up I am, He sees a person worthy of mercy and forgiveness.

I have hope because God is good all the time. I have hope because He is in control. He is faithful; he has been with me through all the storms of my life. He will not let me go.

Staying sane in a crazy world

June 24, 2026June 25, 2026 by Innermost Being, posted in Faith and Culture

I think the United States has gone nuts. Seventy-seven million people decided that a convicted felon, a malignant narcissist, was fit to hold the nation’s highest office. They decided that personal character is irrelevant.

I’ve heard the word “unprecedented” used more in the last decade than I did in the previous five. These are crazy, upside down times.

Every day brings news that should be shocking but isn’t. Every day, the president says or does something that would have ended the career of a normal person. But he is not normal. He is amoral. His party exalts and protects him. So, with the support of his enablers, he continues to get away with corruption and lawlessness.

How do I keep from losing my mind when so many disturbing things are happening? How do I find contentment?

First and foremost, faith in God keeps me grounded. No matter what happens, God’s presence gives me comfort and peace. He is sufficient for all my needs.

My faith helps me keep current events in perspective. He is not the first man to do evil in the sight of the Lord. Although I want justice and accountability now, the wicked will not escape God’s justice. I also believe that God is working behind the scenes and that he has a plan.

Second, I am fortunate to live in a beautiful area. Spending time in nature brings me peace and a sense of wonder and joy. I go for walks and stop to look at wildflowers and enjoy the view. I pause to listen to birds singing or squirrels chattering.

No matter how messed up the world is, nature stays the same. The birds stick to their migration patterns. The flowers keep on blooming, and the birds keep on singing.

Third, I am not alone in my distress. I have found many like-minded people who care about truth, justice, and the well-being of others. I am not the only one who sees the foolishness in this administration’s disregard for the environment. I am not the only one who believes that immigrants deserve to be treated with compassion and dignity. I am not the only one who sees the government ignoring the needs of the poor and middle-class while further enriching millionaires.

Many people are shining a spotlight on the corruption and abuses of power. Independent media has been relentless in exposing the truth. Politicians are leaving the Republican party and speaking out against the behavior it supports and condones. Attorneys are filing lawsuits to uphold the laws. Pastors are speaking out about how un-Christ like evangelical “Christians” have become.

Finally, I have a life to live. It’s an ordinary life, but a good life. I have much to be grateful for – a good husband, family, friends, my health, and a home.

I have things to do that make a difference in the lives of others. I have things to say that may make a difference.

Prairie turnip

June 1, 2026 by Innermost Being, posted in Word Prompts

Go on a walk today and share a photo of something that catches your eye.

I went on a hike today along a muddy logging road in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Wildflowers always catch my eye. Most of the flowers I see are ones I have seen multiple times over the years – lupine, obeyed daisies, and salsify.

Today, a plant from the pea family caught my eye. I saw breadroot scurf pea for the first time last year. It is also called prairie turnip or large Indian breadroot. The scientific name is Pediomelum esculentum.

The plant grows in grasslands and in dry woodlands of central North America. The starchy root is edible. I read that it was an important food for Native Americans.

Accepting My True Self

May 10, 2026May 10, 2026 by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

The self encompasses everything that makes me a unique individual – my personality, values, and traits. The self is not static; it is always becoming, constantly evolving. Through self-reflection, I seek to understand my weaknesses so that I can become the person God intended me to be.

In Gazing at God, Sharon Hodde Miller wrote about how to free yourself from self-preoccupation so that you can be free to love God and others. One stage in the process of “self-forgetfulness” is receiving or accepting your true self.

What is my true self? My true self is my authentic self, my innermost being. It is distinct from my public, outward persona. It is the self known only to me and my Creator. It encompasses my private thoughts and feelings as well as my values and beliefs. My true self is my spiritual center and the source of my decision-making.

A Christian finds her true self by pursuing Christ. Christ gives me a new identity. I am to take off my old self, corrupted by the sins of selfishness and pride. I am to put on my new self, created to be like Christ, selfless and humble.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

To accept my true self as God created me to be, I must stop trying to prove that I am worthy. I am worthy. I am wholly accepted and loved, just as I am, by the One who really matters.

The truest thing about you is that you are loved by God.

Sharon Hodde Miller

How would I describe my true self? I am an introvert who learned to be more self-confident in social situations. I am intelligent, conscientious, independent, and determined to get things right. I care about justice and truth. I love other people. I love animals and nature. I am kind, faithful, and gentle. I love God. I am loved by God.

My true self also has many flaws. I can be judgmental. I can be impatient and inconsiderate. I gossip! I worry too much about what other people think and seek their approval.

I accept my true self. I am wonderfully made! But I recognize that I have a false self. That false self stays silent when she has something important to say because she wants social approval. She avoids conflict. She misses out on opportunities to share her faith.

Faith in God is the most important part of my identity. When I seek the approval of people, I misplace my identity. Dying to myself means crucifying the desires that conflict with God’s will. It means crucifying the false self.

Jesus was the perfect example of living a selfless life for the glory of God. He testified to the truth, knowing that the religious leaders would not approve. They questioned his identity, but he knew who he was.

Lord, thank you for loving me unconditionally. Guide my words and my actions. Give me the courage to share my faith without fear. Thank you, Teacher, for showing me the way to live a life that is pleasing to God. Amen.

Noticing the Self

April 15, 2026April 15, 2026 by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

I am reading the book Gazing at God: A 40-day Journey to Greater Freedom from Self by Sharon Hodde Miller. Miller divides the journey to self-forgetfulness into five stages, the first of which is, ironically, noticing the self.

The point of forgetting the self (or becoming less preoccupied with the self) is gaining freedom to love God and other people.

I am not putting a 40-day time limit on my journey because I practically have to force myself to set aside time for self reflection.

Miller asks probing questions to help the reader examine what is going on inside.

Why am I insecure?

Am I basing my identity on something insecure?

Is my self-worth based on my performance?

Do I expect others to heal what only God can heal?

Sometimes, self-focus is a sign that some part of our self is wounded and in need of care, which means we can not be free of self-focus until we attend to the pain that is causing it.

Are my words centered on myself?

Are there any recurring scripts in my story?

Whenever there is ambiguity in my relationships, do I make assumptions to fill in the gaps? Am I trying to read minds?

Do I automatically assume that someone else’s behavior is about me?

Are there areas of my life where I focus too much on myself due to vanity, pride, or selfishness?

Where am I tempted to anchor my identity?

What are some of the defense mechanisms of my false self? (The false self is a facade we use to hide our weaknesses and limitations.)

*****

As a young child, I was very shy and self-conscious and uncomfortable in social situations. As I grew up, I gradually became more self-confident and less anxious.

I wish I could say that I have no insecurities today. At times, I feel inadequate. I still worry about not being accepted or liked. Sometimes, I make assumptions about what other people think of me.

Yet, my identity is not based on anything insecure. I am a child of God. I am a wife, a sister, a friend, and a volunteer. I am an intelligent person with a variety of interests.

I have noticed that I let what other people might think of me keep me from expressing myself authentically. Being preoccupied with social approval keeps me from being the brave person God wants me to be.

When I think about how far I’ve come and how much self-confidence I’ve gained in the process, it seems crazy that I still feel the least bit insecure. I have not forgotten the hurts of childhood. Perhaps I expect other people to make me feel better.

Lord, thank you for loving me just as I am. When I doubt my worth, remind me that I am precious in your sight. Help me to forget my old wounds. You have made me strong and courageous. Amen. 💔