Category: Spiritual Growth

Preparing to tell my story

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

I have been staying after church for a group study on “everyday evangelism,” which made me think about my faith story. I’ve shared some of what follows before on my blog but have never spoken about it publicly.

Salvation

Dad always took us kids to church. Mom stayed home. She grew up going to church like he did, so I didn’t understand why she didn’t come with us.

When I was about nine years old, my Sunday school teacher led me to faith in Jesus. I don’t recall the Bible story. I don’t recall the words of her invitation. I don’t remember the words of my response. But for years, I could remember the feeling of joy.

In retrospect, I can see that God’s timing was perfect. The hardest years of my life were ahead of me, but I had a faithful friend with me. My faith gave me hope.

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…

1 Peter 3:15

I started reading the Bible every day. In sixth grade, I went to AWANA Bible studies. I was active in Youth for Christ until we moved after my sophomore year.

Meanwhile, my home life was tumultuous. My parents argued and even separated a couple of times. I thought they were arguing about the lack of money because there were too many mouths to feed.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was twelve. Mom got custody of the seven of us. Dad moved to another city and remarried within a year or so.

We kids continued to go to church on our own.

The year after the divorce, Mom had another baby. We questioned her about the father. He was someone we knew; my older sister and I babysat his children a few times. Mom managed to keep their relationship a secret.

I was afraid people would find out that our mother had a child outside of marriage and that they would judge us. So when asked about my family – even years later – I pretended that my dad was the father of all of us.

After the divorce, Mom was free to do whatever she wanted. She had a few more sexual relationships, but they were no longer a secret. In pursuing those relationships, she made decisions that were not in our best interests.

Mom told us that Dad had a vasectomy after their fourth child, but that it obviously didn’t work since they had three more kids. I learned the truth as an adult. Mom told my younger sister, child number five, that her father was a coworker who had raped her. She also told the next two kids who their real fathers were.

Knowing what happened to my mom when she was a young mother, I could better understand the choices she made. I can imagine why she wasn’t comfortable in church. I know she felt some shame, or she wouldn’t have lied and kept so many secrets.

The Other Prodigal Daughter

Mom was clearly not a good example for us kids to follow. All three of my younger sisters got pregnant in high school.

I was determined to go to college and make a better life for myself, so I didn’t take any chances. But in a way, I followed in my mother’s footsteps. When I moved away to college, I stopped going to church. I gave into temptations.

I met my husband at my first job after college. He was not a believer. His family did not go to church. I knew that the Bible says not to be unequally yoked, but I told myself it was okay. He is a good man.

The Prodigal Daughter Returns

In the years that I didn’t go to church, I missed it. I knew I should start going again. But it took something shocking to get me back.

We lived in a suburb of Denver. On April 20, 1999, two high school students murdered a teacher and several students at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine what would make kids do something so evil.

I needed to be with other people of faith. I went to the church that I often drove by,  Hope United Methodist. It was comforting to be with people who shared my faith in God.

My faith story is a long one. It has its ups and downs. It shows that when you belong to Jesus, he will never let you go.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.

John 10:27-29

God loves me just as I am – flawed, selfish, struggling to be good. No matter how messed up I am, He sees a person worthy of mercy and forgiveness.

I have hope because God is good all the time. I have hope because He is in control. He is faithful; he has been with me through all the storms of my life. He will not let me go.

Accepting My True Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

The self encompasses everything that makes me a unique individual – my personality, values, and traits. The self is not static; it is always becoming, constantly evolving. Through self-reflection, I seek to understand my weaknesses so that I can become the person God intended me to be.

In Gazing at God, Sharon Hodde Miller wrote about how to free yourself from self-preoccupation so that you can be free to love God and others. One stage in the process of “self-forgetfulness” is receiving or accepting your true self.

What is my true self? My true self is my authentic self, my innermost being. It is distinct from my public, outward persona. It is the self known only to me and my Creator. It encompasses my private thoughts and feelings as well as my values and beliefs. My true self is my spiritual center and the source of my decision-making.

A Christian finds her true self by pursuing Christ. Christ gives me a new identity. I am to take off my old self, corrupted by the sins of selfishness and pride. I am to put on my new self, created to be like Christ, selfless and humble.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

To accept my true self as God created me to be, I must stop trying to prove that I am worthy. I am worthy. I am wholly accepted and loved, just as I am, by the One who really matters.

The truest thing about you is that you are loved by God.

Sharon Hodde Miller

How would I describe my true self? I am an introvert who learned to be more self-confident in social situations. I am intelligent, conscientious, independent, and determined to get things right. I care about justice and truth. I love other people. I love animals and nature. I am kind, faithful, and gentle. I love God. I am loved by God.

My true self also has many flaws. I can be judgmental. I can be impatient and inconsiderate. I gossip! I worry too much about what other people think and seek their approval.

I accept my true self. I am wonderfully made! But I recognize that I have a false self. That false self stays silent when she has something important to say because she wants social approval. She avoids conflict. She misses out on opportunities to share her faith.

Faith in God is the most important part of my identity. When I seek the approval of people, I misplace my identity. Dying to myself means crucifying the desires that conflict with God’s will. It means crucifying the false self.

Jesus was the perfect example of living a selfless life for the glory of God. He testified to the truth, knowing that the religious leaders would not approve. They questioned his identity, but he knew who he was.

Lord, thank you for loving me unconditionally. Guide my words and my actions. Give me the courage to share my faith without fear. Thank you, Teacher, for showing me the way to live a life that is pleasing to God. Amen.

Noticing the Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

I am reading the book Gazing at God: A 40-day Journey to Greater Freedom from Self  by Sharon Hodde Miller. Miller divides the journey to self-forgetfulness into five stages, the first of which is, ironically, noticing the self.

The point of forgetting the self (or becoming less preoccupied with the self) is gaining freedom to love God and other people.

I am not putting a 40-day time limit on my journey because I practically have to force myself to set aside time for self reflection.

Miller asks probing questions to help the reader examine what is going on inside.

Why am I insecure?

Am I basing my identity on something insecure?

Is my self-worth based on my performance?

Do I expect others to heal what only God can heal?

Sometimes, self-focus is a sign that some part of our self is wounded and in need of care, which means we can not be free of self-focus until we attend to the pain that is causing it.

Are my words centered on myself?

Are there any recurring scripts in my story?

Whenever there is ambiguity in my relationships, do I make assumptions to fill in the gaps? Am I trying to read minds?

Do I automatically assume that someone else’s behavior is about me?

Are there areas of my life where I focus too much on myself due to vanity, pride, or selfishness?

Where am I tempted to anchor my identity?

What are some of the defense mechanisms of my false self? (The false self is a facade we use to hide our weaknesses and limitations.)

*****

As a young child, I was very shy and self-conscious and uncomfortable in social situations. As I grew up, I gradually became more self-confident and less anxious.

I wish I could say that I have no insecurities today. At times, I feel inadequate. I still worry about not being accepted or liked. Sometimes, I make assumptions about what other people think of me.

Yet, my identity is not based on anything insecure. I am a child of God. I am a wife, a sister, a friend, and a volunteer. I am an intelligent person with a variety of interests.

I have noticed that I let what other people might think of me keep me from expressing myself authentically. Being preoccupied with social approval keeps me from being the brave person God wants me to be.

When I think about how far I’ve come and how much self-confidence I’ve gained in the process, it seems crazy that I still feel the least bit insecure. I have not forgotten the hurts of childhood. Perhaps I expect other people to make me feel better.

Lord, thank you for loving me just as I am. When I doubt my worth, remind me that I am precious in your sight. Help me to forget my old wounds. You have made me strong and courageous. Amen. 💔

Death to Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

A couple of months ago, my pastor asked a question. What is your spiritual need for this year? My response: dying to myself.

This may seem like a strange response. It was prompted by a year-long study of Dallas Willard’s book, Life Without Lack: Living in the Fullness of Psalm 23. A chapter called Trust Completed in Death to Self showed me I will never live a life without lack if I don’t let go of my desire for social approval.

Yes, I seek the approval of people. Or, to put it another way, I avoid their disapproval. It’s an ongoing battle. If I am still trying to please people or to win their approval, I can not be a whole-hearted, faithful servant of Christ.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Galatians 1:10

As I was nearing the end of Life Without Lack, I saw a book at church called Gazing at God by Sharon Hodde Miller. The subtitle is “A 40-day Journey to Greater Freedom from Self.” Instead of the phrase death to self, Miller uses the term self-forgetfulness. She defines self-forgetfulness as “freedom from being distracted by or preoccupied with the self, so that we are then free to love God and others.”

The term self refers to my identity as a person, encompassing my personality, my character, and my essential nature – my inner being. God wants me to realize my full potential – the person he intends me to be. I should not exchange the best version of myself for something less valuable.

The concept of dying to self does not mean killing off or erasing who you are. Willard described death to self as rising up to God. It is exchanging a self-centered life for a Christ-centered life. Dying to myself means living my life for Jesus. It means crucifying the wants and desires that conflict with God’s will.

Jesus said that if you want to be his disciple, you must deny yourself and take up your cross. I never really understood what Jesus meant by taking up your cross. Willard said the cross means “acceptance of limitation on desire.” It is surrendering your personal desires and comforts to follow Jesus, regardless of the cost. It is a sacrifice.

I have embarked on a spiritual journey – one without a time limit – to forget myself, to release the self-centered desires that hold me back from being an obedient disciple of Christ.

*******

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. Matthew 16:24-25

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 NIV

Faith is Key to a Life Without Lack

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

In Life Without Lack: Living in the Fullness of Psalm 23, Dallas Willard said that before we can fully experience the sufficiency of God, three things must be at work in us: faith, death to self, and agape love. In the chapter titled Trust in God: The Key to Life, Willard wrote about faith.

What is faith? One of my favorite explanations is found in the book of Hebrews.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

Hebrews 11:1-3 NIV

I don’t have to see God or hear him speak outloud to believe that he exists. I am assured of his existence from the visible things he created.

But faith is more than believing.

Willard noted that faith combines love with the desire for good. A desperate father came to Jesus and asked him to free his son from an impure spirit (Mark 9:14-29). His love for his son was combined with the desire for good.

Some people view faith as superstition. The truth is we all have faith in something. “Faith is simply reliance upon something in both attitude and action.”  You can’t get through life without faith or confidence “that things will be a certain way and what you desire will come to be.” Even non-believers have faith that they can rely on other people or on ordinary everyday things.

Martin Luther King, Jr. is credited with saying that faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase. Several years ago, I acted with faith to quit a miserable job when I didn’t have another job lined up. I had confidence that God would work things out for my good. He did.

Faith goes hand in hand with having a future. The psalmist looked to the future when he said, “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all of my days, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Faith has two parts: vision and desire. We see reality as it is and picture what it could be in the future. We hope for what can be. 

Faith comes from hearing about God’s goodness and faithfulness.

Consequently faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes through the preached word of Christ.

Romans 10:17 NET

Faith is a gift that comes to those who seek. “You will seek Me and find Me , when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13).

When you have faith, it doesn’t mean you never have doubt. We can admit our doubts openly and honestly. Jesus said, “Everything is possible for one who believes,” to which the desperate father  replied, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.” (Mark 9:23-24)

Faith is not stagnant. We can lose our faith when something bad happens. Pain and suffering can also deepen our faith. Willard used the story of Job to explain three different types of faith.

  • Faith of propriety
  • Faith of desperation
  • Faith of sufficiency

Faith of Propriety

Initially, Job trusted God to be good to him if he lived a proper, godly life. But he did not have peace in his faith. He feared that God would “take down the hedge of protection” that surrounded him. He trusted in his own propriety more than he trusted in God’s goodness.

People with this kind of faith believe you must perform in a certain way and always get things right to earn God’s favor. They believe that God is looking down on them to make sure they are behaving.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do right! But things can go wrong for us even if we do everything right, even if we are perfectly righteous.

Faith of Desperation

When Job lost everything – his family, his possessions, and his health – his faith became a faith of desperation. His desperate situation led him to a place of need. God showed up in his misery. Job said, “I’ve heard about you, but now I’ve seen you.”

Faith of desperation is trusting in God when things are shaky. It is crying out to him when you have nowhere else to turn. It is trusting in God in your moment of need. It is saying, “Whatever happens, I will trust You.”

I’ve been there – in a place of desperation, where God was my only hope. I cast my cares on him and drew strength from him. Faith puts you into contact with God so you can draw on his resources.

Faith of Sufficiency

Job struggled to make sense out of his suffering and loss. He eventually stopped trying to get God to make everything right. He saw the glory, the greatness, and the sufficiency of God.

The 23rd Psalm is a testament to faith. David, the psalmist, believed that God would provide everything he needed, physically and spiritually. The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing…. He restores my soul… He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. I will fear no evil, for you are with me.