Innermost Being Blog

Prairie turnip

by Innermost Being, posted in Word Prompts

Go on a walk today and share a photo of something that catches your eye.

I went on a hike today along a muddy logging road in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Wildflowers always catch my eye. Most of the flowers I see are ones I have seen multiple times over the years – lupine, obeyed daisies, and salsify.

Today, a plant from the pea family caught my eye. I saw breadroot scurf pea for the first time last year. It is also called prairie turnip or large Indian breadroot. The scientific name is Pediomelum esculentum.

The plant grows in grasslands and in dry woodlands of central North America. The starchy  root is edible. I read that it was an important food for Native Americans.

Accepting My True Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

The self encompasses everything that makes me a unique individual – my personality, values, and traits. The self is not static; it is always becoming, constantly evolving. Through self-reflection, I seek to understand my weaknesses so that I can become the person God intended me to be.

In Gazing at God, Sharon Hodde Miller wrote about how to free yourself from self-preoccupation so that you can be free to love God and others. One stage in the process of “self-forgetfulness” is receiving or accepting your true self.

What is my true self? My true self is my authentic self, my innermost being. It is distinct from my public, outward persona. It is the self known only to me and my Creator. It encompasses my private thoughts and feelings as well as my values and beliefs. My true self is my spiritual center and the source of my decision-making.

A Christian finds her true self by pursuing Christ. Christ gives me a new identity. I am to take off my old self, corrupted by the sins of selfishness and pride. I am to put on my new self, created to be like Christ, selfless and humble.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

To accept my true self as God created me to be, I must stop trying to prove that I am worthy. I am worthy. I am wholly accepted and loved, just as I am, by the One who really matters.

The truest thing about you is that you are loved by God.

Sharon Hodde Miller

How would I describe my true self? I am an introvert who learned to be more self-confident in social situations. I am intelligent, conscientious, independent, and determined to get things right. I care about justice and truth. I love other people. I love animals and nature. I am kind, faithful, and gentle. I love God. I am loved by God.

My true self also has many flaws. I can be judgmental. I can be impatient and inconsiderate. I gossip! I worry too much about what other people think and seek their approval.

I accept my true self. I am wonderfully made! But I recognize that I have a false self. That false self stays silent when she has something important to say because she wants social approval. She avoids conflict. She misses out on opportunities to share her faith.

Faith in God is the most important part of my identity. When I seek the approval of people, I misplace my identity. Dying to myself means crucifying the desires that conflict with God’s will. It means crucifying the false self.

Jesus was the perfect example of living a selfless life for the glory of God. He testified to the truth, knowing that the religious leaders would not approve. They questioned his identity, but he knew who he was.

Lord, thank you for loving me unconditionally. Guide my words and my actions. Give me the courage to share my faith without fear. Thank you, Teacher, for showing me the way to live a life that is pleasing to God. Amen.

Noticing the Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

I am reading the book Gazing at God: A 40-day Journey to Greater Freedom from Self  by Sharon Hodde Miller. Miller divides the journey to self-forgetfulness into five stages, the first of which is, ironically, noticing the self.

The point of forgetting the self (or becoming less preoccupied with the self) is gaining freedom to love God and other people.

I am not putting a 40-day time limit on my journey because I practically have to force myself to set aside time for self reflection.

Miller asks probing questions to help the reader examine what is going on inside.

Why am I insecure?

Am I basing my identity on something insecure?

Is my self-worth based on my performance?

Do I expect others to heal what only God can heal?

Sometimes, self-focus is a sign that some part of our self is wounded and in need of care, which means we can not be free of self-focus until we attend to the pain that is causing it.

Are my words centered on myself?

Are there any recurring scripts in my story?

Whenever there is ambiguity in my relationships, do I make assumptions to fill in the gaps? Am I trying to read minds?

Do I automatically assume that someone else’s behavior is about me?

Are there areas of my life where I focus too much on myself due to vanity, pride, or selfishness?

Where am I tempted to anchor my identity?

What are some of the defense mechanisms of my false self? (The false self is a facade we use to hide our weaknesses and limitations.)

*****

As a young child, I was very shy and self-conscious and uncomfortable in social situations. As I grew up, I gradually became more self-confident and less anxious.

I wish I could say that I have no insecurities today. At times, I feel inadequate. I still worry about not being accepted or liked. Sometimes, I make assumptions about what other people think of me.

Yet, my identity is not based on anything insecure. I am a child of God. I am a wife, a sister, a friend, and a volunteer. I am an intelligent person with a variety of interests.

I have noticed that I let what other people might think of me keep me from expressing myself authentically. Being preoccupied with social approval keeps me from being the brave person God wants me to be.

When I think about how far I’ve come and how much self-confidence I’ve gained in the process, it seems crazy that I still feel the least bit insecure. I have not forgotten the hurts of childhood. Perhaps I expect other people to make me feel better.

Lord, thank you for loving me just as I am. When I doubt my worth, remind me that I am precious in your sight. Help me to forget my old wounds. You have made me strong and courageous. Amen. 💔

Death to Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

A couple of months ago, my pastor asked a question. What is your spiritual need for this year? My response: dying to myself.

This may seem like a strange response. It was prompted by a year-long study of Dallas Willard’s book, Life Without Lack: Living in the Fullness of Psalm 23. A chapter called Trust Completed in Death to Self showed me I will never live a life without lack if I don’t let go of my desire for social approval.

Yes, I seek the approval of people. Or, to put it another way, I avoid their disapproval. It’s an ongoing battle. If I am still trying to please people or to win their approval, I can not be a whole-hearted, faithful servant of Christ.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Galatians 1:10

As I was nearing the end of Life Without Lack, I saw a book at church called Gazing at God by Sharon Hodde Miller. The subtitle is “A 40-day Journey to Greater Freedom from Self.” Instead of the phrase death to self, Miller uses the term self-forgetfulness. She defines self-forgetfulness as “freedom from being distracted by or preoccupied with the self, so that we are then free to love God and others.”

The term self refers to my identity as a person, encompassing my personality, my character, and my essential nature – my inner being. God wants me to realize my full potential – the person he intends me to be. I should not exchange the best version of myself for something less valuable.

The concept of dying to self does not mean killing off or erasing who you are. Willard described death to self as rising up to God. It is exchanging a self-centered life for a Christ-centered life. Dying to myself means living my life for Jesus. It means crucifying the wants and desires that conflict with God’s will.

Jesus said that if you want to be his disciple, you must deny yourself and take up your cross. I never really understood what Jesus meant by taking up your cross. Willard said the cross means “acceptance of limitation on desire.” It is surrendering your personal desires and comforts to follow Jesus, regardless of the cost. It is a sacrifice.

I have embarked on a spiritual journey – one without a time limit – to forget myself, to release the self-centered desires that hold me back from being an obedient disciple of Christ.

*******

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. Matthew 16:24-25

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 NIV

Struggles produce character

by Innermost Being, posted in Word Prompts

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

The hardest experiences in my life helped me grow the most. I’ve had difficult experiences as an adult, but the difficulties of my childhood developed character that has lasted a lifetime.

I didn’t have a stable childhood. We moved a lot. My parents separated a few times and divorced when I was twelve. I spent my teenage years living with mom and seven siblings. Mom made impulsive, selfish decisions that weren’t in our best interests.

The experience of being poor taught me that money and material things are not the most important things in life. Love is more important. Being a good person is more important. Finding purpose and meaning are more important.

Being poor taught me the value of hard work but also of self-denial. I can do without and still be happy. I can delay satisfaction. Good things are worth waiting for.

When we were poor, there were people who looked down on us. I learned that my worth was not dependent on social status. I am a beloved child of God. He accepted me as I am. He gave me the strength to endure hardships. He gave me hope.

As a child, I experienced shame and embarrassment. Those experiences didn’t define me. I rose above them. I persevered. I became determined to have a better life.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

I hear about parents who do everything they can to make sure their kids never have to struggle or fail. They’re not doing them any favors. Struggling helps children grow into resilient adults. Failure teaches kids to keep trying, to persist.