Category: Introversion

Shy child, I see you

by Innermost Being, posted in Introversion

My church is hosting Vacation Bible School this week for the first time in years. I volunteered to be a small group leader for kids in kindergarten through the fifth grade. This is my first VBS experience as an adult. I went to VBS at least once in grade school, but I remember very little about it.

The theme of our VBS is “Start the Party/ Celebrate the Good News.” The evening begins with dinner. Our pastor of family ministries asked that we sit with kids and break the ice by asking a party/celebration themed question.

The second day, I sat across the table from a girl named Paisley, who missed the first day. Paisley doesn’t go to our church but has a friend who does. Unfortunately, her friend didn’t sign up for VBS, so Paisley didn’t know a soul.

I could see the fear on Paisley’s face. I watched as other girls filled their plates and chose different tables. I invited two brothers to sit at our table. I recognized them from church but didn’t know them.

I attempted to break the ice by asking the kids about the best gift they had ever received. The older boy, Aiden, responded with one word, Nintendo. Paisley, in a very quiet voice, said she didn’t know.

I recognize introversion when I see it. I was a painfully shy child. I eventually overcame shyness but still feel uncomfortable and awkward if I don’t know anyone.

Paisley was so uncomfortable that at one point, she turned her body away from the table, hiding her face. It was heartbreaking.

The pastor, the father of five, joined our table. He asked questions and was able to elicit more than a one word response from the kids. Paisley said that she once gave her mother flowers and chocolate.

I asked Paisley what grade she was in. Fourth grade, she responded. I got up and went to a table with three girls and asked the same question. The pastor’s daughter said that she is in the 4th grade. So I told her about the girl at my table who doesn’t know anyone.

Elovie is an extrovert. She makes friends easily. I have seen her befriend a shy child at Sunday School. Elovie came over and introduced herself to Paisley. The rest of the evening, Paisley had fun with Elovie and other new friends.

It’s been great seeing the kids having fun at Vacation Bible School. More importantly, they’re hearing about Jesus and how much he loves them, no matter who they are.

Communication evolution

by Innermost Being, posted in Introversion, Word Prompts

In what ways do you communicate online?

At 60 years of age, I’ve witnessed an evolution in the ways people communicate. We used to write letters by hand or with a typewriter and send them by snail mail. We called people with our rotary phones using landlines. If they didn’t answer the phone, we had to call them back. Then we got push-button phones, fancy-schmancy cordless phones, and telephone answering machines. If we needed to send business documents quickly, we used facsimile (fax) machines.

In my career, the evolution of communication in the workplace has included the modernization of phones and voicemail systems, as well as the use of email to send messages and documents. For a while, we used Skype for instant messaging and meetings. Now, my company uses Microsoft Teams for meetings and calls.

Today, I use Facebook to communicate with family and friends. I signed up on Facebook when my nephew Chris was serving in the Peace Corps in Uganda. Facebook was the best way to learn about his experiences in Africa. Nowadays, Chris rarely posts anything on Facebook, but my online community has expanded.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love being able to communicate so easily regardless of distance. My childhood penpal found me on Facebook, and I’ve gotten back in touch with other friends and family. But Facebook can be so addictive! It can make you worry that you’ll miss out on something important if you don’t check it frequently. It quickly spreads lies and disinformation and divides friends and family. One year, I gave up Facebook for Lent. Now, I have a time limit for it on my smartphone.

I signed up for Instagram when I took Facebook off my phone. I love sharing pictures of nature – scenery from my hikes, wildflowers, deer, etc. But Instagram is kind of creepy because strangers (usually men) send follow requests and unwanted messages if you accept. I immediately shut off that line of communication.

I am on LinkedIn, but I rarely use it. I look forward to updating my profile to say that I’m retired!

As an introvert, it’s easier for me to communicate by writing than talking. Twelve years ago, I started blogging with Google Blogger, then switched to WordPress.

The interesting thing is that I’ve evolved with the changes in technology. No, I don’t text a lot like young people do. I’m “typing” this post on my phone with one finger. But communicating online, especially blogging, has turned me into a talker in meetings. You might not even know that I’m an introvert.

Struggling to Write

by Innermost Being, posted in Introversion

As 2021 comes to a close, I regret not writing more. Last year, I coped with the pandemic by writing prayers. This year, I’ve really struggled to keep myself blogging. In writing about his own mentor, one of my favorite Christian writers wrote a sentence that resonated with me: I can hardly write if someone shares the same room with me. I also need solitude to write and I need a lot of time to compose my thoughts. If my husband walks into the room and starts talking to me, I can’t write. I become too self-conscious.

It helps to know I am not alone in needing to be alone.

C.S. Lewis has been a constant companion, a shadow mentor who sits beside me urging me to improve my writing style, my thinking, my vision, and also my life….

“[He] affirmed my calling as a writer who works out my faith in print.  We live sequestered lives, those of us who make a living by herding words.  I can hardly write if someone shares the same room with me.  And the results of my work are both slippery and vicarious: when I write I am not actively caring for the poor, ministering to the suffering, feeding the hungry, or even conversing about spiritual matters.  Lewis proved to me that this most isolated act can still make a difference.

“As one who was changed—literally, dramatically, permanently—by an Oxford don who often felt more at home with books than people, I trust that God may use my own feeble efforts to connect with readers out there somewhere, most of whom I will never meet.”

Philip Yancey, What Good is God? In Search of a Faith That Matters

Fortunately, I don’t make a living herding words. It’s much easier for me to herd numbers. But like Philip Yancey, I work out my faith by writing. My faith has been strengthened by writing about it. And like my mentor, Philip Yancey, I trust that God can use my feeble efforts to connect with readers I will never meet.

Thank you to everyone who reads Innermost Being!

Meaningful Connections

by Innermost Being, posted in Introversion

I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose “networking” as a competency to develop this year for my job. Did I set myself up for failure? An unabashed introvert, I am not good at networking. Talking to strangers at a business conference makes me uncomfortable. I do not have the gift of gab. Connecting with people for the selfish purpose of getting ahead professionally is not attractive to me.

My company offers free LinkedIn courses so I watched a video on Creating Personal Connections, taught by John Ullmen, PhD. Ullmen began by describing personal connections as the flow of energy between people. He said that being uncomfortable is not a bad thing. It can help to reframe social anxiety as excitement. Connecting with others is an opportunity to make things better, to shine your light on others.

Ullmen gave advice on what to think, how to feel, and what to do before an interaction. First, observe your thoughts. Send silent positive intent to the other person, which will set the stage for rapport. Go into the interaction with curiosity about the other person. Your goal is learn how you are connected. Although we may appear unconnected to others on the surface, we can connect to others on the deep.

Secondly, choose in advance how you are going to feel about the person. Make the choice to like them. Perhaps they remind you of someone you really like.

Finally, prepare yourself physically for the interaction. Pay attention to your body language. Smile and adjust your posture.

It is customary when greeting another person to ask: how are you? Ullmen says to avoid the generic “I’m fine” response. Instead, respond genuinely (not by sharing your aches and pains). Share something meaningful that happened to you in the last 24 hours. Use two sentences to respond. “I’m great. I just heard a good story about…”

Ullmen also suggested syncing up your conversation with the other person. At the moment you begin a conversation, the other person has something on their mind. Try to align yourself with them.

Ullmen recommended using the E.M.P.A.T.H.Y.® approach to communicating, based on an acronym developed by Helen Reiss. (To learn more, watch her Power of Empathy TEDTalk.)

Eye contact – I see you
Muscles of facial expression
Posture – conveys connection
Affect – expressed emotion
Tone of voice
Hearing the whole person, keeping your curiosity open
Your response to the feelings of others (align yourself)

Ullmen also suggested that you create personal connections by learning about the other person’s strengths, goals, and interests (SGI’s). Ask what they like to do outside of work. Share more of yourself by talking about things that are personally meaningful. What are you thankful for? Share a treasured memory.

Ullmen approached networking from an angle that is much more appealing to me. I enjoy deep, meaningful conversations. I like getting to know other people. So I’m going to stop thinking of networking as necessary but distasteful and focus on making meaningful connections.

How am I? I’m great. Today a talkative little boy at church hugged me and said I love you.

Living the Hygge Life

by Innermost Being, posted in Introversion

I used to use the WordPress daily word prompts to generate blogging ideas but whoever was posting the word prompts stopped doing it. Today I thought to myself, what if I were to choose the 37th word from an article in the newspaper (since there are 37 days left to write this year)? On my first try, I landed on the word “said” but that’s too common. So I tried again and landed on the word “hygge” in an article about gift ideas. That one grabbed my attention.

What is hygge? Google translates it from Danish to English as “fun” but fun doesn’t come close to defining it. According to the Visit Denmark website, “hygge means creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people.” Oxford Dictionaries, which named hygge its 2016 word of the year, defines hygge as “A quality of cosiness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture).”

Evidently, hygge is a trendy thing that I missed out on, which isn’t surprising because I’m not the trendy type. If I were, I would have known that the Scandinavian hygge lifestyle is taking the world by storm!

I am also really bad at pronouncing unfamiliar words. Hygge is pronounced hoo-gah. I just can’t see the ‘y’ as an ‘oo.”

A year-end 2016 article by The New Yorker, titled The Year of Hygge, the Danish Obsession with Getting Cozy seems to place the blame for the obsession with hygge on Denmark. But hygge has evidently become a marketing obsession that is driving some Scandinavians crazy. You can’t buy hygge but the U.K and the U.S. have used the concept of hygge as an excuse to sell something. 

Perhaps Scandinavians are obsessed with hygge in the same way that Americans are obsessed with freedom. The Danes have learned to enjoy the simple things in life. Intimate conversations. Turning down the lights and turning off the noise. Simplicity. Minimalism. Less is more.

Meik Wiking, the guy who wrote The Little Book of Hygge: Danish Secrets of Happy Living, says that hygge has been called “socializing for introverts.” Give me Cozy says that hygge has been called “the introverts answer to a good time.”

My cat gets the meaning of hygge. Find a warm, quiet place to chill out and relax. I didn’t know it before today, but I’m living the hygge life.