Author: Innermost Being

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. Blogging has been a rewarding addition to my spiritual journey. It has shown me how much I want to connect with other people. It has revealed my fears and self-doubts and helped me to face them. My Innermost Being blog is about pursuing spiritual growth through self-examination.

Death to Self

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

A couple of months ago, my pastor asked a question. What is your spiritual need for this year? My response: dying to myself.

This may seem like a strange response. It was prompted by a year-long study of Dallas Willard’s book, Life Without Lack: Living in the Fullness of Psalm 23. A chapter called Trust Completed in Death to Self showed me I will never live a life without lack if I don’t let go of my desire for social approval.

Yes, I seek the approval of people. Or, to put it another way, I avoid their disapproval. It’s an ongoing battle. If I am still trying to please people or to win their approval, I can not be a whole-hearted, faithful servant of Christ.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Galatians 1:10

As I was nearing the end of Life Without Lack, I saw a book at church called Gazing at God by Sharon Hodde Miller. The subtitle is “A 40-day Journey to Greater Freedom from Self.” Instead of the phrase death to self, Miller uses the term self-forgetfulness. She defines self-forgetfulness as “freedom from being distracted by or preoccupied with the self, so that we are then free to love God and others.”

The term self refers to my identity as a person, encompassing my personality, my character, and my essential nature – my inner being. God wants me to realize my full potential – the person he intends me to be. I should not exchange the best version of myself for something less valuable.

The concept of dying to self does not mean killing off or erasing who you are. Willard described death to self as rising up to God. It is exchanging a self-centered life for a Christ-centered life. Dying to myself means living my life for Jesus. It means crucifying the wants and desires that conflict with God’s will.

Jesus said that if you want to be his disciple, you must deny yourself and take up your cross. I never really understood what Jesus meant by taking up your cross. Willard said the cross means “acceptance of limitation on desire.” It is surrendering your personal desires and comforts to follow Jesus, regardless of the cost. It is a sacrifice.

I have embarked on a spiritual journey – one without a time limit – to forget myself, to release the self-centered desires that hold me back from being an obedient disciple of Christ.

*******

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. Matthew 16:24-25

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 NIV

Struggles produce character

by Innermost Being, posted in Word Prompts

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

The hardest experiences in my life helped me grow the most. I’ve had difficult experiences as an adult, but the difficulties of my childhood developed character that has lasted a lifetime.

I didn’t have a stable childhood. We moved a lot. My parents separated a few times and divorced when I was twelve. I spent my teenage years living with mom and seven siblings. Mom made impulsive, selfish decisions that weren’t in our best interests.

The experience of being poor taught me that money and material things are not the most important things in life. Love is more important. Being a good person is more important. Finding purpose and meaning are more important.

Being poor taught me the value of hard work but also of self-denial. I can do without and still be happy. I can delay satisfaction. Good things are worth waiting for.

When we were poor, there were people who looked down on us. I learned that my worth was not dependent on social status. I am a beloved child of God. He accepted me as I am. He gave me the strength to endure hardships. He gave me hope.

As a child, I experienced shame and embarrassment. Those experiences didn’t define me. I rose above them. I persevered. I became determined to have a better life.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

I hear about parents who do everything they can to make sure their kids never have to struggle or fail. They’re not doing them any favors. Struggling helps children grow into resilient adults. Failure teaches kids to keep trying, to persist.

Faith is Key to a Life Without Lack

by Innermost Being, posted in Spiritual Growth

In Life Without Lack: Living in the Fullness of Psalm 23, Dallas Willard said that before we can fully experience the sufficiency of God, three things must be at work in us: faith, death to self, and agape love. In the chapter titled Trust in God: The Key to Life, Willard wrote about faith.

What is faith? One of my favorite explanations is found in the book of Hebrews.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

Hebrews 11:1-3 NIV

I don’t have to see God or hear him speak outloud to believe that he exists. I am assured of his existence from the visible things he created.

But faith is more than believing.

Willard noted that faith combines love with the desire for good. A desperate father came to Jesus and asked him to free his son from an impure spirit (Mark 9:14-29). His love for his son was combined with the desire for good.

Some people view faith as superstition. The truth is we all have faith in something. “Faith is simply reliance upon something in both attitude and action.”  You can’t get through life without faith or confidence “that things will be a certain way and what you desire will come to be.” Even non-believers have faith that they can rely on other people or on ordinary everyday things.

Martin Luther King, Jr. is credited with saying that faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase. Several years ago, I acted with faith to quit a miserable job when I didn’t have another job lined up. I had confidence that God would work things out for my good. He did.

Faith goes hand in hand with having a future. The psalmist looked to the future when he said, “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all of my days, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

Faith has two parts: vision and desire. We see reality as it is and picture what it could be in the future. We hope for what can be. 

Faith comes from hearing about God’s goodness and faithfulness.

Consequently faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes through the preached word of Christ.

Romans 10:17 NET

Faith is a gift that comes to those who seek. “You will seek Me and find Me , when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13).

When you have faith, it doesn’t mean you never have doubt. We can admit our doubts openly and honestly. Jesus said, “Everything is possible for one who believes,” to which the desperate father  replied, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.” (Mark 9:23-24)

Faith is not stagnant. We can lose our faith when something bad happens. Pain and suffering can also deepen our faith. Willard used the story of Job to explain three different types of faith.

  • Faith of propriety
  • Faith of desperation
  • Faith of sufficiency

Faith of Propriety

Initially, Job trusted God to be good to him if he lived a proper, godly life. But he did not have peace in his faith. He feared that God would “take down the hedge of protection” that surrounded him. He trusted in his own propriety more than he trusted in God’s goodness.

People with this kind of faith believe you must perform in a certain way and always get things right to earn God’s favor. They believe that God is looking down on them to make sure they are behaving.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do right! But things can go wrong for us even if we do everything right, even if we are perfectly righteous.

Faith of Desperation

When Job lost everything – his family, his possessions, and his health – his faith became a faith of desperation. His desperate situation led him to a place of need. God showed up in his misery. Job said, “I’ve heard about you, but now I’ve seen you.”

Faith of desperation is trusting in God when things are shaky. It is crying out to him when you have nowhere else to turn. It is trusting in God in your moment of need. It is saying, “Whatever happens, I will trust You.”

I’ve been there – in a place of desperation, where God was my only hope. I cast my cares on him and drew strength from him. Faith puts you into contact with God so you can draw on his resources.

Faith of Sufficiency

Job struggled to make sense out of his suffering and loss. He eventually stopped trying to get God to make everything right. He saw the glory, the greatness, and the sufficiency of God.

The 23rd Psalm is a testament to faith. David, the psalmist, believed that God would provide everything he needed, physically and spiritually. The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing…. He restores my soul… He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

Lured into a life of lack

by Innermost Being, posted in Pursuing God

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. I often recite the 23rd Psalm to myself but admit that it can be hard to say, “I lack nothing.” Most people live in want of something. We live in a world of lack  – lack of goodness, compassion, justice, mercy, and peace.

Why is there so much evil?

In Life Without Lack: Living in the Fullness of Psalm 23, Dallas Willard explains why he thinks there is so much lack and evil in the world. While we may blame ourselves for wrongdoing, our behavior is much worse than it would be if not for Satan’s influence.

Most people don’t give much thought to the spiritual world, to either good or bad spirits. But if we want to grow in faith, we need a biblical understanding of evil spirits.

Satan, the serpent in the Garden of Eden, once held a much higher position. The prophet Isaiah (Isaiah 14) wrote about the fall of “the morning star.”

How you have fallen from heaven,
    morning star, son of the dawn!
You have been cast down to the earth,
    you who once laid low the nations!
You said in your heart,
    “I will ascend to the heavens;
I will raise my throne
    above the stars of God;
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
    on the utmost heights of Mount Zaphon.
I will ascend above the tops of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High.”

Since his fall, Satan has been trying to get back at God by disrupting God’s plans for mankind. Satan is a great deceiver, the Prince of Darkness. Jesus called him the Father of Lies. He manipulates our minds with cunning and trickery.

Three Weapons of Temptation

Willard explains that Satan uses “three weapons of temptation.” In the third chapter of Genesis, we read that the serpent tempted Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”

The forbidden fruit was 1) good for food, 2) pleasant to the eyes, and 3) would make one wise. The forbidden fruit met Eve’s physical desire for food. It looked good. But the temptation she couldn’t resist was this:

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Satan appealed to Eve’s desire to be like God, all-knowing knowing and powerful. Satan fooled Eve into believing that if she ate the fruit, she could be like God.

For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.

1 John 2:16

While fasting in the wilderness for forty days and nights, the devil tempted Jesus three times (Matthew 4). First, he appealed to Christ’s hunger. “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

Then, Satan led Jesus to the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down,” for God will command his angels to lift you up. This temptation was about appearances. Wouldn’t Jesus have looked good to the people – messianic – if he had miraculously floated to the ground?

Next, the devil took Jesus to a high mountain and showed him the kingdoms of the world. “All of this I will give you if you will bow down and worship me.” Satan appealed to the Lord’s ego. As king of the world, Jesus would be glorified. He would have the power to dominate others.

It’s easy to see the weapons of temptation at work in the world. The TV series American Greed tells stories of people who succumb to all three. A common theme involves a conman using the proceeds of a Ponzi scheme to indulge in the desires of his flesh – sex, extravagant meals, and alcohol or drugs. He buys luxury vehicles and a plane or a yacht. He acquires expensive jewelry, clothing, and other material things to impress people with the appearance of success. His wealth enables him to dominate others and to exercise political power and influence.

Guard your heart and mind

The heart is the source of our actions. If we let him, Satan will rule our thoughts with images, ideas, desires, and fears. Our worst behaviors are driven by the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. We often find reasons to justify the things we do. We lie to ourselves and make excuses.

Above all else, guard your heart,
    for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

Willard noted that we are often unaware of the ideas that influence us. Our minds may be influenced by propaganda or false doctrines or a corrupting culture. For example, Americans are taught to pursue the “American way of life,” which is the freedom to do whatever you want to do. As Willard said, “If there is anything you ought not to do, it is to do what you want to do whenever you want to do it.”

It’s important to not only know the ways Satan tempts us but also to be aware of our own weaknesses. If we know what our weaknesses are, we can put up a better defense. God will shed light on our hearts if we ask him to examine it and reveal our sins (Psalm 139:23-24).

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.“

Jesus demonstrated how to defend yourself against temptation. He responded to every temptation with scripture. He knew God’s word.

Prayer is also important. Satan does not want us to talk to God. He attacks our belief in God’s goodness, power, and sufficiency. To resist Satan, fill your mind with God’s word, and pray for his guidance.

Lord, you know my weaknesses. I care too much about what people think of me. I get upset about things I can’t control. You are all sufficient. You provide my every need. I can trust that you are in control.

I did not picture myself like this

by Innermost Being, posted in Word Prompts

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

As I write this, I am sitting in a special chair with my face down. This is not my normal posture. So no, my life today is not what I pictured a year ago. It is not even what I pictured two months ago!

Two months ago, I was blissfully ignorant about my vision. I knew I wasn’t seeing as well as I used to but didn’t think it was a big deal. At my annual eye examination in November, I found out that I have a form of macular degeneration called retinoschisis. I had vitrectomy surgery on my left eye six days ago, which involves removing the vitreous fluid and placing gas in the eye. To ensure success, I must maintain a facedown posture for a week to keep the glass bubble at the back of my eye.

I had so much anxiety going into this procedure. First, there’s the creepiness of having anyone mess with my eye. Secondly, I’m an active person. How could I stay facedown for a week? I feared that I would get a stiff neck or sore back. Mostly, I worried about the mental and emotional toll it would take on me. I asked friends and family for prayers.

Thankfully, I have not gone stir crazy 😜 yet. I get up for a few minutes every hour. I have gone for a couple of short walks. I entertain myself by reading, listening to audiobooks, watching TV, and playing my daily word games. One of the first things I did was to listen to the first two sections of George Orwell’s 1984 but don’t want to sink further into dystopia (the present is bad enough). I am reading The Firekeepers Daughter (Angeline Boulley) and listening to All the Colors of the Dark (Chris Whitaker).

Sleeping on my stomach has been awkward, but I have been able to sleep. In addition to the chair, I rented a raised horseshoe shaped headrest. My head tends to slip off of it, and I’ve been waking up with earaches. 😴

Today is my last day of “posturing,” but it is not the end of my recovery. The gas bubble will likely take 2-4 weeks to clear. It will take a few months for my vision to stabilize. Currently, all I can see is a blur. It’s like looking through water.

There are life lessons for me in this unexpected challenge. Don’t take any part of my health for granted. Be grateful that my mind is still active and that I have the patience to endure this. Be empathetic because other people are going through much worse situations.

👁 👁 👁

From The Opening Door, a Celtic prayer:

Be blessing my face, Lord;
be blessing my eyes.
May all my eye looks on
be blessed and be bright,
my neighbors, my loved ones
be blessed in Your sight.